Just for laugh

General chit chat and off topics
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Andoy
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Re: Just for laugh

Post by Andoy » 08 Feb 2014 00:29

Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Stupid Questions, But Never Will

1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.

2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that fucking ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

3. You've got no chance of me calling you.

4. No, I won't be gentle.

5. Of course you have to swallow.

6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.

7. I hate your friends.

8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.

9. I'd rather watch a porno.
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Andoy
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Re: Just for laugh

Post by Andoy » 08 Feb 2014 00:31

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks for old times sake.

He hires a prostitute, takes her up to a room and goes at it as best as he can for a guy his age.

After a couple of minutes he asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" He asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in and you're knot getting your money back."
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Andoy
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Re: Just for laugh

Post by Andoy » 08 Feb 2014 00:37

A wife treats her man by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday... At the club, the doorman says, "Hey Johnny, how are You?"
The wife asks, "How does he know you?" Johnny says, "Oh dear, I play football with him."
Inside, the bartender says, "The usual, Johnny?" Johnny says to his wife, "Before you say anything, he's on the darts team."
Next a stripper says, "Hi Johnny! Do you crave the special again??"
The wife storms out dragging Johnny with her & jumps into a taxi...the taxi driver says, "Hey Johnny Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...."
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Andoy
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Re: Just for laugh

Post by Andoy » 08 Feb 2014 00:44

An old man went in to see the doctor and said, "Doc, I'm turning eighty tomorrow and I don't know how many more years I have left.
My good wife died ten years ago and I've had no sex at all since then. I'd love to experience sex one more time before I die so I've hired a hooker for the night. Can you give me something that'll help me get it up?"

The doctor smiled. "I don't normally prescribe this stuff as it's extremely potent, but I think in your case I can make an exception for one night."

Later that night, out of curiosity, the doctor phoned the elderly man and asked, "How's it going?"

"Fabulous," the old man said. "I've come three times already."

"That's great," the doctor said. "The hooker must be astounded."

"Not exactly," the old man said. "She's not here yet!"
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Andoy
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Re: Just for laugh

Post by Andoy » 08 Feb 2014 00:46

A young man went into a sex shop to buy some condoms, and a sales girl approached him.

Sales girl: Can I help you, Sir?

Young man: Yes, I want to buy some condoms.

Sales girl: What size do you need, Sir?

Young man: I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size I would need.

Sales girl: May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need?

As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance:

"Give me a SMALL one... Wait! Make it MEDIUM...Wait! Make it LARGE... Shit! Give me a TISSUE !!!"
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Andoy
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Re: Just for laugh

Post by Andoy » 08 Feb 2014 23:48

A man, new in town, goes to the best brothel in the city.

Choosing the best looking girl in the place, he retires to a large and well-appointed suite, where he has some of the best sex of his life.

Satiated, the man asks the madam, "How much do I owe you?"

The madam motions for him to put away his money. She then pulls two hundred dollars out of a purse and gives it to him. She fends off all his attempts for an explanation.

Naturally, the man returns the following evening. He gets the same treatment, and is again given two hundred dollars.

The third night he does the same thing, but when he sees the madam she asks him for three hundred dollars.

"Wait a minute," he says. "The first night you gave me two hundred dollars. The second night you gave two hundred dollars. Now you want me to pay you three hundred? Why?"

The madam smiles and says, "Tonight you weren't being filmed." :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Andoy
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Re: Just for laugh

Post by Andoy » 28 Feb 2014 22:59

A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.

She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets." :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Andoy
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Re: Just for laugh

Post by Andoy » 28 Feb 2014 23:01

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!".
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!" :lol:
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Andoy
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Re: Just for laugh

Post by Andoy » 28 Feb 2014 23:02

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him.
So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one.
She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!".
So the guy puts both of his hands in!
"Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!". :mrgreen:
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Andoy
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Re: Just for laugh

Post by Andoy » 28 Feb 2014 23:03

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "screw YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer screw you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got. :lol:
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Andoy
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Re: Just for laugh

Post by Andoy » 28 Feb 2014 23:07

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"screw me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins?" :lol:
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Andoy
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Re: Just for laugh

Post by Andoy » 01 Mar 2014 20:37

During a commercial airline flight an experienced
Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began
Nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to
Help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby,
And he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the
Breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed,"And all these years,
I've been blowing my nose and chewing gum." :lol:
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Andoy
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Re: Just for laugh

Post by Andoy » 03 Mar 2014 22:03

A husband, who is not the most outgoing guy, relents to his wife's months of nagging to take her out dancing. During the evening one guy on the dance floor is giving it large - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

Seeing this performance, the wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Her husband replies, "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!" :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Andoy
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Re: Just for laugh

Post by Andoy » 03 Mar 2014 22:05

At the nude beach

A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.

She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets." :lol: :lol: :mrgreen:
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